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Last week, I played basketball for the first time in what felt like forever. It was maybe a couple of months but that feels like forever for me. A bunch of guys were playing pick-up at a nearby court so I decided to join them. It was so much fun to run around again – definitely rusty but held my own. About 30 minutes in to playing, I jumped and landed a bit funny on my knee – the same knee that I hurt when training for my first half and the same knee that I still preventatively rehab. Knees suck. It felt a bit weird and wobbly but not painful so I played for another hour and a half, had fun and knocked down a few jumpers.
I got home, stretched, ate, iced and wore high compression socks to bed – to hopefully bring down any inflammation. Then I slept for 8 hours, got up, did my morning routine and went to CrossFit. I got to CrossFit and tried working on my double-unders. Ouch. That hurt. Then I tried jogging. Nope. Then I tried some kettle-bell swings. Heck no. Then I cried. Yup.
I totally felt like crap. It was one of those days where I just felt defeated. Like I failed myself and others around me because I was not 100%. Thankfully no-one let me cry alone. They re-assured me that it’s okay… these things happen. And they do. We are not perfect. It doesn’t make them less sucky but in the grand scheme of things: my silly knee is nothing in comparison to other problems. Sure it’s my problem but all you need to do is turn on CNN and put things in perspective.
You know I’m a huge advocate for listening to your body. I am leaps and bounds better at doing this. A year ago, I would have pushed through the skipping or kettlebells. Last week, I did what was right to do and stopped but it is still an emotional struggle: I want to be able to do it all. Maybe I think I am indestructible. Maybe I think I am superhuman. I knew it would be stupid to run or workout while in Chicago so I didn’t pack my sneakers. I know my body needs time to heal but I am antsy. I love the feeling I get when I run or lift something kinda heavy or steal the ball from a guy who is 7 inches taller, 50 lbs heavier and well… a guy. When I see “10 miles” on our training schedule for Saturday July 19, I want to run those 10 miles. But I didn’t. And that’s sometimes hard.
When I cried at CrossFit, Sean gave me a big hug and told me this: consistency, not perfection. And he couldn’t be more right.
Overall, my marathon training has been going great and I have lots of time to prepare for the race. Overall, I eat a very nutritious diet but I eat ice-cream when I feel like it. Overall, I am very happy but sometimes I cry and feel crappy. I’m not perfect. I put a lot of my life out there for who the heck knows to see and read and judge and whatever. It’s sometimes scary and hard. I know you know I’m human and that it’s not always unicorns and rainbows but coming to terms with this myself is possibly the hardest part of it all. Telling the Internet that I’m running a marathon, that I love to eat “healthy”, go to CrossFit, feel comfortable in my own skin… is really scary (and impossible) if I aim for perfection. Because that is unattainable.
There are going to be bumps in the road and I need to come to terms with these bumps, embrace them, learn from them and move forward.
I have been trying to put a little less pressure on myself. My knee has been feeling a bit better so I’ve gone to CrossFit a few times this week but I have scaled the workouts. I wish I was doing them Rx. I didn’t run yesterday or Tuesday (heck I haven’t run in awhile) and I don’t think I will get my “long run” in this weekend and that’s hard for me to accept. I’m slowly learning to be okay with all of this. I am trying to focus on consistency and limit my negative self talk (one of my goals). I have instead been nourishing my body with delicious food and resting a bit more than usual. I have been trying not to get frustrated because my knee is not “perfect” yet. I know I need to take care of my body and I am trying to do that. I am seeing my doctor on Monday just in case. I need to remind myself that it’s (literally) a marathon and not a sprint.
And I also need to remind myself that I am striving for consistency, not perfection. And I want to remind you of that too.
No questions, just your thoughts.
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