I Feel Sexy Naked and Fat in Clothes

Well that’s a title for ya.

This is what has been happening lately: I just finished a killer WOD or had a great run or whatever. It’s time to shower so naturally… I get naked. I look in the mirror and think I look bad-ass. I love my butt. I love my arms. Then I hop in the shower, scrub that butt, wash those arms, and dry off. Then the problems start.

I put on my jeans and feel like my quads and calves are going to rip through them. I put on my blazer and feel like my shoulders and traps are going to tear it down the middle. Yes just call me Arnold.

So apparently this is what happens when you start lifting weights and doing CrossFit. Apparently this is what also happens when you stop counting calories and just listen to your body. And I love it. Because I truly feel amazing: my skin is wonderful, my body is stronger and I have not been happier. (So lame, I know). I know that I am not actually “fat” but my changing body is getting to me.

I don’t care what size my clothes are, I really don’t, but it is an emotional struggle and I feel torn. I love that I can actually lift semi-heavy-things now and I want to continue to progress and to be able to do pull ups, handstand push-ups and eventually muscle ups. But I have never and would never sit here and tell you that I don’t care about how I look. I do care. And that scares me to say because that’s not what is supposed to matter – I am supposed to eat and workout for my health not my aesthetic preferences. That is what I do my best to believe and put into practice. That is the message I try to impart.

I want to be the healthiest I can possibly be but I also want to be happy when I look in the mirror. And I look differently than how I looked a few months ago and I am working on loving what I see all the time – not just when I’m naked.

You’ve obviously seen pictures of me. I am not a very large human to begin with. I am five feet tall and still pretty petite. After my college weight gain, I was not happy with my body so I lost a lot of weight but I also lost more than I intended to. I clearly know I have gained muscle mass and not a beer belly and I love my new little muscles but this situation is still creating an emotional challenge for me.

The crazy thing is that I do feel beautiful and strong. I feel confident and classy. I feel happy. But I also don’t know how much more weight I want to put on and if I continue training and lifting – what will happen? How will this affect me and my body? Sean, Michelle and all my CrossFit friends comfort me that I will not become the dreaded “b” word (ahem, bulky) but I can’t help but wonder.

Most of my clothes still fit even though I feel like I am stretching them to their max and they will probably rip eventually. I really don’t want to have to buy a new wardrobe… although I do need some new colored jeans for summer because those bad boys are hella tight. But otherwise, I like my clothes and want to fit into them but I guess I need to get used to them fitting differently. Thankfully dress season is almost upon us.

So I’m in a bit of a conundrum. I’m clearly selfish and want it all: I want to push lots of weight but I also want to wear cute little dresses. I’m not really sure if there is a point to this post other than to just blab and write all of this down. I’m usually way more coherent and succinct than this.

I was in Lulu last week treating myself to some new gear. I had a minor freak out in the change room when I felt like I was going to bust through the tee and wunder unders I was trying on. Thankfully I spotted a girl who worked there and I knew she was a CrossFit-er. Turns out she coaches, relieved all of my woes and I bought those wunder unders and two tees. Happy girl.

I blab to everyone at CrossFit about how I’m feeling. They totally understand, can relate and tell me I look amazing (I love them). Michelle also suggested to buy my new colored jeans a size bigger and take in the waist. My friends don’t really get it and my family doesn’t either (although they try). It’s just a different feeling and I am in a position where I feel on the fence about it all. What do I want?

I want to lift heavy things but I also want to run and do yoga. I want to eat mostly paleo but I also want to eat peanut butter and pancakes. I want to work on my double-unders but I also want to lie on the couch and watch reality TV. I want pink nails but I also want calluses. I want muscles but I also want to look pretty in a dress. I want a butt but I also want to fit into skinny jeans.

Can I have it all? I think I can so I’m figuring it out.

I want to be the beauty and the beast.

Beauty and the Beast3



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94 thoughts on “I Feel Sexy Naked and Fat in Clothes

  1. I feel you girl! I put on quite some muscle and I am definitely bigger than I used to be – though I am tighter than I used to be too. I look fitter and much more in shape – I can definitely tell that my bodyfat went down. BUt I needed some time to get used to this look and to embrace it. It is a challenge. But I love it today!
    And I can not believe that anyone out here does not care how they look. Of course, we all want to be healthy, but seriously, working out IS to look good too – at least for me and I think it is the same for so many. I wonder how many would stop working out if appearance wasn’t an issue.
    Girls with muscle are sexy. Though I am not sure if you can do Crossfit AND stay skinny – I am not an expert though.

    1. You are definitely a huge inspiration to me in this area. I think muscles are sexy too – now I just need to think they are sexy on me all the time :)

  2. Surely looking naked is what is most important right ;)
    Haha I jest – Amy you are bloody beautiful the way you are. You will be beautiful whatever size and shape you are! I do totally understand though. I think people are lying when they say they don’t care what they look like. I think it is so very important to love ourselves for who we are but it is also important to feeeel at a comfortable size and like what we see. As long as it is not a huge focus point that causes massive anxiety and you do it for YOU and not because of what anyone else thinks, then its all good in the hood. I know you will work it out, you will find your balance and you so will be beauty and the beast!!

    1. Love you. It’s definitely all good in the hood because it’s for sure for me! I’m so sorry I haven’t replied to your last email – I also need to catch up on MIC! xx

  3. I know how you feel! I am also putting on some weight from lifting and “listening to my body” and it’s a little depressing. I have good days and bad days. Some days I want to throw in the towel and go on weight watchers or something. Then I sit down to an amazing whole food, delicious, filling meal and I remember why I eat this way. I think this is something we all struggle with. It’s not easy to accept that my body doesn’t want to be this skinny little thing. Hopefully some day I’ll come to terms with it.

  4. I can definitely relate with you here! For some time now I’ve wanted a butt, and some nice little muscles. I wanted to be fit, not just skinny. It’s been happening slowly, but it is so hard to have all of your clothes fit a little tighter. It’s hard when you are used to looking one way and begin to look another. I think the more it becomes what you are used to the more you will love it (I’m hoping anyways!) :) You look great!

  5. Amy I love this post and your honesty. I totally understand what you mean, and I definitely think there is a balance in doing all of the things you want in life, but most importantly I think you need to love your strong body! I know it’s never fun to have to go up a size in clothes and those emotions start rolling in, it’s happened to me, but that’s when you remind yourself you are healthier than you used to be. It’s sad society puts so much importance on weight, size, and all of these other numbers, because it controls so much of our emotions, and it shouldn’t.

    1. You said such great things Becky – both about how annoying our society and finding the balance. Thank you for your wise words.

  6. I am SO proud of you for posting this!! You ARE a beauty AND a beast! As we discussed, it certainly is a struggle. I even pointed out my stomach to my boss yesterday…”Seriously, it’s flat…but if I turn to the side it’s not thin” Her response? “Morganne, you have ABS. That’s all muscle”. Oh, that’s what that is? Lifting, running, yoga, I think they all make us strong. Strong muscles, strong body, strong mind. Sending lots of love!

  7. It can be so hard to adjust to gaining muscle. We all know its a good thing, but dealing with looking bigger can be hard at first! I was actually at body pump this morning, and while looking in the mirror I was thinking that I have started to look different since my marathon a month ago, when I cut back on running and added much more strength training. I feel strong and healthy, and my body is loving the break from all the running, but I can’t help but think that I look bigger. It can be frustrating to not love how you look in clothes. Honestly I don’t think you have to worry about looking “bulky”- I think you will get used to all your awesome muscles and be able to feel proud of them, with or without clothes:)

    1. It’s really comforting to hear that you (and others can relate). It’s not easy but as you said, it takes getting used to.

  8. OMG I have never read anything I’ve related to more! I’m at exactly the same point, loving my newfound butt, growing muscles, and being confident that I can finally “fill out” my jeans. However, it really scares me at the same time. I like right now but I’m afraid of the future.. will I get too big, busting out of clothes, extra fluffy and no longer have the tall and “slender” identity I’ve come to maintain.. Okay I’ll still be tall but it’s scary to give up what’s left of the “ballerina” body. I’m so happy to read that people are experiencing the same thoughts with posts and comments and it makes me so much more confident to continue.. PLEASE keep posting thoughts like this.. we love them even if you feel they aren’t coherent :) yet brilliantly stated!

    1. When I feel myself projecting into the future about this I always have to remind myself of “F.E.A.R” = future events appearing real. I sometimes find it hard to live in the now but it’s always better to :) I am so glad you don’t mind my incoherent thoughts!

  9. Last year, I went through the same thing. I was loving it, but felt guilty for the numbers on the scale. Instead, I learned to write down or say out loud one thing I loved about my new body every day or so and it helped to build my confidence. Pick your favorite part of your body (arms?) and wear clothing to show off what you’ve worked so hard to earn. I don’t think you’ll have to worry about being bulky. You will continue to get lean and fit and as long as you’re not over-supplementing with proteins and other things, you’ll look great. Keep positive thoughts flowing. You’re an inspiration for all of us and we think you look great!

  10. I definitely know the struggle you’re going through. I’ve had an athletic figure pretty much my whole life, so the “pants not fitting up my thighs and butt but then are too baggy in the waist” has been a lifelong struggle haha. Girl you can have it all! If you want to wear sundresses, wear them! Your arms will look fab! Who CARES how big or small your arms/butt/thighs/whatever are. It’s your body and as long as you can do what you want (crossfit, run, whatever) then who cares what it looks like. Give your body some love for what it can do, not what it looks like. And having some PB and pancakes when you eat paleo are totally fine with me. I have a bit of an issue with diets like paleo because it’s so restricting. Yes, it’s a healthier choice since you are eating mostly whole, natural foods. But sometimes it’s okay to give into your cravings!!! That’s life. It’s all a balancing act. It’s okay to be both.

    1. Sarah, thank you! What you said about giving my body love for what it can do is what I need to focus on. It’s certainly a different mentality but you are so right. And it really is all about balancing.

  11. oh i just love you and feel your pain. Even though not fitting into clothes sucks butt, you have such a wonderful and positive attitude about it, that just makes me respect and look up to you even more. You are stronger both physically and emotionally, and THAT is was matters. Plus, feeling awesome naked I feel is the most important thing there is! You are clearly comfortable in your own skin, and that is something most people cannot say about themselves. Keep it up, and you will continue to shine :)

  12. I love you. Thanks for writing such an honest post. I think it’s okay to have the feelings you are having. Most changes come with one part wonderful and one part scary. You’re just learning to balance the two. My advice would be similar to your friends’…find a good tailor. Buy things that fit the most muscular parts of your body, and have the rest altered. You are so beautiful! You were beautiful before you lost the weight, you were beautiful when you were still trying to figure out your diet and exercise, and you are beautiful now that you are falling into your groove, even if there are growing pains. I think I should plan a trip to Toronto this summer and we should have a shopping spree! Can’t argue that it wouldn’t be ridiculously fun :)

  13. I can totally relate! It’s a struggle “dealing” with new found muscles, but just know that you are doing great! I think that we can have it all and what it comes down to is what makes us happy. I think so many of us right now are working to find that balance of doing all things that make us happy…but we will get there soon!! :) Good post.

  14. Thank you for writing this! I feel the same way, especially when I have to consider sizing up my clothes! Most of the time I love my muscles, but then there’s times when I feel like I look manly, or other times (like recently) when I try on bikinis and they just fit awkwardly, and I think “I just look better naked” (such a weird thing, but true!).

    1. It is definitely weird and something I never thought I’d say but I think over time we will both find the right clothes that work for our awesome bodies :)

  15. this post is perfect! i have been dealing with the same emotions too! i have been weight lifting a lot more and gaining muscle is alot harder then people think, i love lifting i get such a high! I have been feeling so confident too, but yesterday i went to get my bridesmaid dress altered because It doesn’t fit up top! It did in january, and now in may it doesn’t. i made me re think everything, but i am hoping to have it all too!

    1. When those things happen, I re-think it all too (and then write about it haha) but I think we can have it all – by balancing.

  16. Miss Amy, I love your honesty… and that you can kick my butt in every running WOD, and that you attack each new challenge with a smile. Like a lot of your posts about nutrition say, at the end of the day, you need to listen to your body and do what works for you. In fitness every camp has their opinions about what’s best: Crossfitters are obsessed with Crossfit, runners are addicted to running, and if we want a little bit of everything it can be tricky to span the different groups. Balance is the key word and definitely the struggle I think. Go easy on yourself. Pushing for perfection in everything can also push you away from things. I know with Crossfit for example, I struggle to stay committed because I feel like I should already be able to do what a lot of the girls around me are passing me to accomplish — but I don’t put the same amount of time in — I don’t stay up late watching the videos and buying all the gear and dreaming of competing a Regionals. I have to remind myself that I’m also committed to other things that are important to me like wine dates with friends and excelling at work that keep me from making every class. I guess what I am saying is enjoy the mix and the unique set of strengths if gives you, do what’s right for you and make sure that you are realistic with your expectations of yourself.

    You are amazing and beautiful inside and out and I’m excited to continue to watch your journey.

    1. You are truly the best and I cannot thank you enough again for the wise words. I definitely think I will get there by finding the balance you have found.

  17. I’m not sure if anyone has said this yet but you may be happier in different clothes. You know how everyone has different jeans or styles of clothes that fit them best? Go to the store and try on different jeans, I bet there are new styles that will look better on you now than they did before. Your body has changed, accept and embrace that. When I was very skinny, I wore skinny jeans, now that I’m stronger, I wear bootcut jeans and they look ten times sexier than my skinny jeans ever looked because I fill them out. My skinny jeans look kind of silly now but that’s okay – I”ll just wear another style. Just as it was tough to find new clothes for your body when you lost a lot of weight, you will need to find new clothes to fit this new body. Pretending that your old clothes will fit like they used to will just frustrate you.

  18. I feel like this all.the.time. Especially putting on freshly washed pants…so effing tight! I don’t even buy pants anymore unless they are really stretchy. I just wish we could all go around pant-less. I hate pants. Who invented them anyways? Ugh!

  19. Amy! I love this post because it’s brutally honest — I think that a lot of people talk about how weight lifting won’t make you “bulky”, but not a lot of people talk about the fact that it WILL cause body changes. I don’t know what to tell ya, because I think self acceptance of the “new” you will only come over time, but I can definitely relate. I think the biggest thing to remember is that the mind is often the last thing to come around to changes like this. Your body will continue to change, but the mind is much, much slower. As much as it sucks to think about, you may in fact have to buy some new clothing — I grew out of all of my button down shirts a couple of years ago (those delts and traps!), but now I have clothes that fit much better, feel better, and make me look much better if I do say so myself :) It’s also okay to admit that aesthetics are important to you, because if we’re all honest with ourselves, it’s important to just about every body. Who doesn’t want to look good?

    Hopefully in time your mind will come around a little more to your changing body, but I echo your CF coaches when they tell you that you will NOT bulk up. I promise you, with your body type, it just wont happen naturally. Try to embrace the bigger shoulders that make your waist look tinier, the new shape of your legs, your glutes. You look amazing, and I am so proud because you seem to be doing wonderfully — keep it up girl, and remember that it’s ok to want things both ways — Heck, I still love sundresses and bows in my hair following a PR deadlift session!

    1. THANK YOU! I hope we can run a stadium or two and pick up some heavy things together sometime soon. And then wear pretty bows. Seriously, your comment means the world. I’m so glad we are able to stay connected in this community.

  20. Amy, I hear you! I too am going through exactly the same thing – I look in the mirror and feel proud of those new muscles but when you then don’t fit into your trousers, you panic!
    I have realised that it’s my muscles that are growing and that I am an athlete – clothes are made for the masses and the masses are not athletes.
    Embrace the strong and realise you are different, but that’s what’s so amazing about it.

    Ps I looked at some of the major female crossfit athletes in regular clothes and saw similarities between them and myself, that sure cheered me right up! I want to look like them more than anyone!

    1. You are so right about clothes not being made for athletes. I also love looking at pics of some of my favorite CrossFit athletes… it always cheers me up too

  21. I love this post, Amy, and completely agree- I look better naked too. But I guess that’s pretty important too ;) You look great and it’s so awesome that you are getting stronger and feeling happy. That’s definitely the most important. The changes will continue happen which is both good and bad. I’m not a nutritionist by any means but I’ve read a lot that as long as you’re not in a caloric surplus then you won’t get bulky, you’ll just define your muscles. I think you can continue to get stronger up to a certain point by eating that way. Of course, it’ll be hard to grow that booty if you aren’t in a caloric surplus, but you can take baby steps and do periods of eating enough to grow muscles and then eating to lean out a bit and define your muscles. That being said, I love to eat and with working out you have a bigger appetite. You’ll figure it out though!

    1. You are definitely right about the caloric surplus and I think it is much more of a mental thing than a reality. Thank you for the faith and I think I will figure it out too :)

  22. Oh my goodness, I can so totally relate. I battled anorexia for 8 years and when I finally decided that I had to get my health on track, I really went into it wanting to gain weight & MUSCLES that I had not had for so long…well, that weight/muscle gain has happened, and now I don’t know how I feel. I LOVE being able to complete challenging workouts that I would have previously not been able to be strong enough to do, but I have to admit, when I see pictures of myself from when I was at my lowest weight compared to pictures of me now…I feel huge. I know that I still suffer from distorted body image, so I am trying to remind myself that the body I have now is SO MUCH HEALTHIER and that ultimately, I AM happier in this body, at this weight, with these muscles. I am sorry that I couldn’t be of more help since I’m still trying to figure it all out myself, but I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in this feeling!!

    1. You were most definitely helpful… it’s helpful to know that I am not alone in figuring this out and I truly believe that we both will. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story.

  23. You KNOW I love you, your self-exploration, and your genuine posts, but I want to shout it from the rooftops again. I really think all these feelings are perfectly natural, and I admire that you are able to recognize and embrace them. I relate to what you said, but with running. I am (unfortunately?) not one of those girls who just dropped weight all over when she runs. Instead, I get bulky thighs and skinny arms. But I’ve learned to embrace those runners legs, because I love the sport and love how strong it makes me. And I just try to balance it out where I can. Keep up the good work! Xo

    1. I love your mentality (you know this) so rather than writing a long reply to your comment… I will wait for our Skype date :)

  24. We always want it all! And I totally relate. I love how I look naked but when I try on some clothes, I just feel blah and unattractive. My biggest piece of advice is to find a brand or style of clothing that you feel fab in and rock it until you get used to your new body! It will give you confidence and help you get through this transition time period :)

  25. Well, I’m 1000x with you on all this. My hips and waist are shrinking, my quads, glutes, arms and back are growing at an alarming rate. However, I’m just gonna keep going, I love CrossFit but I running and yoga have become almost non-existent – which I miss. At least summer is coming and we can wear less clothes and show off those muscles!! Gains all day long, girlie. We CAN have it all…I hope… :) xoxox

    1. I wore Lulu booty shorts the other day to run errands and that felt pretty awesome. When I was writing this I was thinking about your post: “focus on what my body can do, not how it looks”. Thank you for being such an inspiration!!!

  26. This post speaks to me. I’ve gained muscle in my back and arms from crossfit and now shirts and tops are tight. It’s cool but it’s sad. Also my quads feel ginormous in my skinny jeans. I look at “skinny” girls who do cardio and have no muscle and sometimes am envious of how little they are or how cute certain things look on them. It’s a struggle and clearly we can’t have both.

  27. I think A TON of weight lifting, athletic women can relate to your problem. I work in a government organization but simply cannot find a blazer that fits! If I want it to not rip apart at the shoulders it has to be two sizes too big around the waist. Don’t stress about your clothes not fitting any more, buy a size up- the size of your clothes doesn’t matter, it’s how you look in them. And if you are toned, you will look amazing in whatever you throw on!

    1. Thanks girly for the support and shopping advice! I never thought I’d be a weight lifting, athletic woman but I am glad I am.

  28. I totally know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I look frumpy in clothes. Too bad it’s not acceptable to walk around in a bikini all the time – although, I don’t think I’d feel confident enough to do that either, haha!

  29. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve thought this exact thing!! And, I feel better in my little bikini than jeans or full clothes, too – I always thought I was just odd – so glad that I’m not the only one!!!

  30. Such a great and honest post. Thank you so much for sharing! Two things came to mind:
    1) Change of any kind is always hard — good or bad. It takes getting used to. Our expectations, perceptions, beliefs, goals, everything has to shift a bit as a result and that’s scary. It is completely normal to need time to adjust. So give yourself that time. Listen to how you’re feeling, be kind to yourself as you sort through your emotions and wants and you’ll surely find the answers along the way.
    2) I believe it was Mark Twain who said something along the lines of “I have had a great many fears in my life, but few of them have ever come to pass.” I like to remind myself of that sometimes as I think it is important. It’s so easy to get caught up in fears like “I’m going to get too bulky” but chances are that fear will never come to pass. And even if it does, 1) it will probably not be nearly as scary or as hard as you imagine it to be and 2) it is a challenge you can only deal with when it arrives, thinking or stressing about it now can’t change anything. So, enjoy staring at your sexy self and appreciating all your body has accomplished. Because the happiness you feel now and the amazing journey you’re on is what counts.
    Take care of yourself you fabulous girl, you!

    1. Your wise words mean the world to me! Thank you, thank you for your thoughts – you put a big smile on my face. The Mark Twain quote reminds me of something I try to remind myself… FEAR = future events appearing real. I hope things have been well! xo

  31. Great post! I love the honesty… I think we all struggle with our bodies & essentially “want it all”. I really can’t offer any advice on the Crossfit-er body because I’ve never even done it, but from what I see of others – I’m sure you look bangin’ & should just rock that body girl. Clothes are frustrating because 1) they have funky sizing & can make you feel like crap and 2) they sometimes squeeze you or accentuate you at all the wrong places. I’ll think I look pretty decent & then put on my jeans and I just can’t stop staring at the pinch/puff in my waist, or that huge bulge from my belt (my husband thinks this is crazy, lol). Sorry, I think I just kind of went on a ramble, but I guess my point is that we all have insecurities, but most of the time others just see us as the gorgeous beings we are. ;)

    1. I loved your “ramble” :) you are so right and it definitely reminds me that as women we are most definitely our own harshest critics.

  32. I really admire you for voicing your thoughts… body image is a tough issue for every woman! I had a similar experience when I went from only running to adding in weights and cross training a few years ago. My butt has grown! Most of the time I don’t think about it but when I pulled out my maternity pants from 4+ years ago it was crazy how much tighter they were and that threw me for a loop. But I realized this is where I want to be- healthy AND strong- and I’m pretty sure no one else but me can tell much of a difference anyway. :-)
    You got some great advice about focusing on celebrating your body and naming what you DO love about it- and I’d also add to catch those negative thoughts when they come and refuse to let your mind believe them. Focus on the positive. And I do think you can find a balance like you said- you don’t have to be perfectly paleo- you can eat what you enjoy with a paleo emphasis and find what works best for you!

    1. Thank you Laura! Such great advice as well. I almost had a negative moment this morning but quickly kicked it to the curb. Thank you for being a huge inspiration in my life!

  33. I struggle with this too! I’m not a cross-fitter but the more I work on my fitness goals the bigger the shoulders and back get which makes me feel weird in clothes. You look fantastic! Clothes are tricky, I usually find ONE things that makes me feel like a million dollars and wear it often :)

  34. I have so many thoughts about this post and along with it, the way I feel about my body right now, which is far different from what it was a year ago. I’m not sure how to put everything into words, but I do want to thank you for sharing this.

  35. You just put into words the thought process I go through every day. I feel smokin’ hot naked, but cram me into some jeans and I feel like the she-hulk…and not in a good way. I’m not sure what the solution is, but I know buying clothes that fit well (not just size, but cut and fabric as well!) is a huge help. As is hanging out in a sports bra and shorts, but that gets dicey once you leave the house/gym.

    PS…Really glad I found your blog through your comment on Tara’s. It looks like we have quite a bit in common, and I look forward to reading more!

  36. Amy, I love everything about this post. I love that you are getting strong, feeling strong, love the way you look, are loving your workouts and i LOVE your honesty.

  37. Wow this is such an incredible post and I cannot tell you how excited I am to talk to you about it on Monday. I’m going to text you now and firm up our plans.

    You are beautiful. You will find your comfort zone! Buying new clothes that really show off your incredible body might be amazing for you! Don’t try to fit into clothes that fit the old you! You can probably still wear all the same styles (because you are still teeny!) just adjust :)

    P.S. you are wonderful!

  38. Love your sincerity and truthfulness in this post, Amy! I can completely relate to everything you mention, particularly trying to be “beauty and the beast”. I’ve felt like this a lot in my adult life, beginning in university with my ‘soccer legs’. I can honestly say that I feel best when I’m lifting weights frequently and therefore have a few extra lbs on me.
    I think it’s normal and natural to feel a bit self-conscious in certain clothing, but seriously…you my dear have nothing to feel worried about. You are a rock-solid beauty, and many people would kill for a bum and calf muscles. Own it and be proud of your hard work! <3

  39. I am right there with you. I started weight lifting when I became a cheerleader in college. Over the four year I put on a ton of muscle. Although my clothes still “fit” me as in they button up, they are not comfortable or look good on me. I was lifting almost 3-4 days a week. Once I started working I couldn’t fit in cardio AND lifting, which is when they got even bigger – when I had more time for cardio I had the best of both.

    I have recently toned down my lifting because I am strong and do not want MORE muscle. I starting doing barre classes and evening out my cardio. I am hoping this help me achieve what I want.

  40. I am in the same boat. I’m starting to lift heavy things, not care about calories; starting to love my body! But clothes…non-workout clothes are tough. Even in dresses it’s weird to see my arms and shoulder so muscular. I love it, but it definitely will take some getting used to. Keep working at it girl! You are an encouragement to me! Great post!

  41. Amy – words right out of my brain. I’m in a spot that is challenging me, and while I’m trying to push through it and know that it will get better and that I am working my butt off, it is hard when the results don’t come. I love how CF makes me feel, and I’ve honestly never been happier or more committed to such a healthy lifestyle. But I agree with you, wanting both worlds, wanting the beauty and the beast, because, why the heck not?! You inspire me each and every day, and I’m so thankful I found you.

  42. I can relate to this so much! I don’t do Crossfit but I’m also petite and I’ve been doing a weight training routine for over a year now and love my new strength but I’ve always had more muscular arms and have never liked that. I’ve always wanted to have tiny, super lean and ripped arms but I know I’ve just gotta embrace my natural body type and work with it, not against it. I think we all just have to find what works for us, whether it be clothes or food or workouts and stop fighting against what we have!

  43. I’m super behind on posts so I know this is old. But I just wanted to tell you that you are strong and beautiful and feeling this way is oh so normal! And I love that you want to blend and breakdown barriers that aren’t really there and shouldn’t exist – CF and yoga, paleo and pb, muscles and makeup. I won’t ramble on and on, since you’ve had a zillion comments (and are probably getting tired of them by now!) but I love you and am always here to talk. xo

  44. I definitely feel you, girl. I can relate on so many levels! I’ve put on a significant amount of muscle, and I am SO much happier physically and mentally, but then again it is kind of a mind-fuck to have a lot of my clothes not fit me at all anymore. I don’t care about weight, sizes, or anything like that either, but it can mess with your head a little bit. I find that I actually am happier when I do it all – flexible diet, lifting heavy, running, yoga, sundresses, etc. You definitely CAN have it all, in my opinion :) I think it’s important just to find a happy medium!

  45. Amy, this is such a great post. I found it after reading your Biggest Loser Inspiration post and it caught my attention because I recently told my boyfriend that I love the way I look naked, but hate the way I feel in clothes. Though I am not a CrossFitter, I have recently started working with a running coach toward some pretty lofty goals of eventually qualifying for the Olympic Trials in 2016 or 2020. She started implementing strength training into my workouts and cutting my mileage dramatically, and for the first time in my life, I have a butt. The weird thing is, I know exactly how to use it as a runner! But none of my pants fit. Everything feels tight. It’s awful, and the struggle is real, mentally. I am used to running 60ish miles a week and eating a very regimented diet (read: the same thing, just about every day). Implementing strength and speed training are things that I asked for, but I NEVER asked for my milage to drop. I, like you, want it all. I want to stay trim and lean, and I also want to run a 2:37:00 marathon. I need quads, and glutes, and hammies for that. I think that you can have it all, but I think that over time, your ideals about what “it all” is, change. Love your blog, it’s precious. Keep doing you!

    1. Hi Katie, firstly your goal of qualifying for the trials is amazing! Wow. You should be so proud of yourself for committing to this and putting in the effort. As you read, I feel the same way. And honestly some days are really hard. Sometimes I look in the mirror and loveeee my butt. Other times, I want my flat “runner-yogi butt” back. But I know I am a stronger and better athlete because of it. I can run 10 miles and my knee doesn’t hurt. I can do proper push-ups. I can wear tight dresses because I have curves. I absolutely love what you said about the changing ideal of what “it all” is. You are so spot on. Thank you for the kind words… have a wonderful weekend and kick butt in your training!

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