Well that’s a title for ya.
This is what has been happening lately: I just finished a killer WOD or had a great run or whatever. It’s time to shower so naturally… I get naked. I look in the mirror and think I look bad-ass. I love my butt. I love my arms. Then I hop in the shower, scrub that butt, wash those arms, and dry off. Then the problems start.
I put on my jeans and feel like my quads and calves are going to rip through them. I put on my blazer and feel like my shoulders and traps are going to tear it down the middle. Yes just call me Arnold.
So apparently this is what happens when you start lifting weights and doing CrossFit. Apparently this is what also happens when you stop counting calories and just listen to your body. And I love it. Because I truly feel amazing: my skin is wonderful, my body is stronger and I have not been happier. (So lame, I know). I know that I am not actually “fat” but my changing body is getting to me.
I don’t care what size my clothes are, I really don’t, but it is an emotional struggle and I feel torn. I love that I can actually lift semi-heavy-things now and I want to continue to progress and to be able to do pull ups, handstand push-ups and eventually muscle ups. But I have never and would never sit here and tell you that I don’t care about how I look. I do care. And that scares me to say because that’s not what is supposed to matter – I am supposed to eat and workout for my health not my aesthetic preferences. That is what I do my best to believe and put into practice. That is the message I try to impart.
I want to be the healthiest I can possibly be but I also want to be happy when I look in the mirror. And I look differently than how I looked a few months ago and I am working on loving what I see all the time – not just when I’m naked.
You’ve obviously seen pictures of me. I am not a very large human to begin with. I am five feet tall and still pretty petite. After my college weight gain, I was not happy with my body so I lost a lot of weight but I also lost more than I intended to. I clearly know I have gained muscle mass and not a beer belly and I love my new little muscles but this situation is still creating an emotional challenge for me.
The crazy thing is that I do feel beautiful and strong. I feel confident and classy. I feel happy. But I also don’t know how much more weight I want to put on and if I continue training and lifting – what will happen? How will this affect me and my body? Sean, Michelle and all my CrossFit friends comfort me that I will not become the dreaded “b” word (ahem, bulky) but I can’t help but wonder.
Most of my clothes still fit even though I feel like I am stretching them to their max and they will probably rip eventually. I really don’t want to have to buy a new wardrobe… although I do need some new colored jeans for summer because those bad boys are hella tight. But otherwise, I like my clothes and want to fit into them but I guess I need to get used to them fitting differently. Thankfully dress season is almost upon us.
So I’m in a bit of a conundrum. I’m clearly selfish and want it all: I want to push lots of weight but I also want to wear cute little dresses. I’m not really sure if there is a point to this post other than to just blab and write all of this down. I’m usually way more coherent and succinct than this.
I was in Lulu last week treating myself to some new gear. I had a minor freak out in the change room when I felt like I was going to bust through the tee and wunder unders I was trying on. Thankfully I spotted a girl who worked there and I knew she was a CrossFit-er. Turns out she coaches, relieved all of my woes and I bought those wunder unders and two tees. Happy girl.
I blab to everyone at CrossFit about how I’m feeling. They totally understand, can relate and tell me I look amazing (I love them). Michelle also suggested to buy my new colored jeans a size bigger and take in the waist. My friends don’t really get it and my family doesn’t either (although they try). It’s just a different feeling and I am in a position where I feel on the fence about it all. What do I want?
I want to lift heavy things but I also want to run and do yoga. I want to eat mostly paleo but I also want to eat peanut butter and pancakes. I want to work on my double-unders but I also want to lie on the couch and watch reality TV. I want pink nails but I also want calluses. I want muscles but I also want to look pretty in a dress. I want a butt but I also want to fit into skinny jeans.
Can I have it all? I think I can so I’m figuring it out.
I want to be the beauty and the beast.
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